Needing God

       I have had a lot on my mind the past few days.  I am trying to find peace with in myself to accept the things I can not change.  I realized last night, after talking to my sister, that I am full of anger.  My sister is my rock, though many miles a way, she is always there for me.  She has a way of unknowingly leading me to a place that I can feel validated and not judged when I am feeling overwhelmed.  She was telling me about a news story that happened recently.  A young lady that was pregnant had the flu and pneumonia, the hospital delivered her baby and then some complications later she passed away.  The story led me to a face book page that was written for her by her father.  In his posts, there is one common theme that he is using to overcome his grief.  That theme is God.
       Reading his posts made me realize that I too should be using God to help me overcome my own grief.  I use the term grief because even though I am not dealing with a physical death of a person at this time, I realized I am grieving over the loss of pieces of my life in the past year.  Though the loses are a choice that my husband and I made together, they are still losses from my life.
        I have a wonderful Dr. that is our family practictioner. At one of my visits with her, she told me that humans have an innate ability to be selfish.  It is normal, most people couldn't do what I do due to that.  I think about that a lot.  I don't know why my husband and I felt compelled to take on this journey, I just know that it was something that we felt we had to do.  I feel that God led us here.  Really, who sells their house, quits their job and moves into a house that is no bigger than a tuna can so that they can make sure their parents will be taken care of?  Taking their two kids with them at that!  It has to be Gods will, his plan.  I have strayed away from him because I have been to busy grieving my own losses.
        I have been to busy lost in my own mind that I have let other peoples selfish ways pull me into a bottomless pit of misery.  I laid in bed last night with tears rolling down my face, holding my breath so not to wake up my husband, thinking that I need to let God have control of this situation.  I need to do this for him and let him guide us through this.  I truly believe that is our purpose right now.  I laid there thinking about how sad I was.  I searched and searched with in myself to find the answer so that tears would stop flowing. I realized that the past couple of days I have watched my father in law deteriorate and his other children are not here to see it.  Do they believe it? If they could see what I see would that make them believe he is on his journey to meet his maker?
         I am with him 24/7.  I have only known him for about 11 years, but I know who is now.  I have watched him revert back to toddler hood from a strong, independent adult. It saddens me to watch him struggle and get frustrated when his fingers don't do what he wants them to do.  It breaks my heart to see the darkness in his eyes knowing he is only there part of the time anymore.  His struggles are far greater than my own.
         He wasn't feeling well yesterday and spent the better part of the day in bed resting.  Around dinner time I went in to check on him, because my mother in law tried to get him up to come out to eat and he refused.  At first he just laid there with his hand over his face.  I could see he was miserable. I asked him the run down of normal questions and he told me no to every one of them.  I gave him his medicine so he could go back to sleep.  As I was changing him into his night clothes my daughter came bouncing into the room with all of her 2 year old wisdom.  She hopped up on the bed singing Pa Pa!  He laughed and smiled and was so excited to see her.  He gave her some tickles and made her giggle some more. She offered to help him get dressed and to jump on his bed so he could  bounce with her. They laughed and giggled and when they were done I sent her on her way so that Pa Pa could rest.  He went from totally miserable to extremely happy in those two minutes because she came in there to help him.  At that moment he was still here with us. Those moments are becoming more rare as his mind leaves him and leads him to no where.
         I am only guessing that being sad for him is normal.  Grieving for him even though he is still physically here is normal. My heart breaks as I watch the sadness creep over my mother in laws face as she comes to realize that his days are few.  She is already lost with out him.  I am sad for her, too.
         As I still laid in bed with tears falling, snuggled in my husbands arms while he laid there resting I couldn't help but think how hard this must be for him.  How my sadness affects him on top of everything else.  I laid there and prayed that God would be here for us and guide us.  Prayed for strength to endure this and prayed that God would help me accept the things I can not change.  I know I need to give my burdens to him and let him take over because I just can not do this.


So my wisdom for the day is actually from the bible.
My dad posted this on his facebook page the other day.  I need to remind myself of this.