Too much time in my own head

          I spend a lot of time in my own head.  I have been trying to sort out thoughts that continue to creep back into my mind, it is such a struggle! One of the most persistent thought is asking myself if this is what God really wants me to do.  I miss my old life so much at times.  I feel horribly guilty for that. It makes me feel like I am being selfish.  I loved my job, I loved the people I worked with and I was confident in that world.  It became just like my favorite pair of sweat pants, extremely comfortable! I loved it so much I actually burned myself out. I am an all or nothing type of person, so I gave my all. I remember how my last night I worked was so rough and I told myself...look around you, this is the reason you don't want to come back.  I was ready to go, and not look back.

          Then I went, I struggled in my new role as a care giver. I struggled selling my home and moving into theirs. At one point I felt like I had given everything that was me up, because I felt compelled by God to do this.  I honestly don't really question if this is what he wants me doing, because I still feel this is his will. I do however, wonder why I am so sad and lonely at times. Why do I keep getting temptations to stop in my tracks and go back to work right now!  Is it just because I spent the past week working? It felt so, so, so good! It felt like I never left that world. At one point I would of called it quits if the right opportunity came along.  I keep wanting it to happen, then I remind myself that is not what God wants for me.  

          I know this because that opportunity has not presented itself to me. I keep praying for the strength to let go, so I can accept my new life roles. I keep hitting the fence because I can not fully give that worry to God and accept things for what it is.  I pray and pray for help because I can't do this alone. I pray that God continues to bless me so  I can do his will. I pray that he is with these people and that one day I will become  confident in my new role. My biggest fear used to be disappointing my parents, now it is disappointing God!

Inspiration

      Some days it is hard to feel inspired, it is easy to let the negativity around you take over. It feels like you are just along for the ride waiting for your next stop.  Then something happens unexpectedly and your whole outlook on life changes in a matter of seconds.   I truly believe it is divine intervention.  I have been so busy that some times I forget to slow down so that I can be inspired to keep moving forward.
         I am not a quitter and I don't like failure so that only leaves me the option to find inspiration so I can focus and accomplish what I feel is God's will for me.  I have been a ft nursing student since August, ft mom, ft caregiver, and a ft wife with a part time job in a bakery.  Some days I am spread so thin I'm not sure what day of the week it is. When I run out of the umph to go I look above and talk to God and he never fails to show me why I do what I do.
          I have so many blessings in my life to be thankful for.  I have wanted to be a nurse since I was in the fifth grade... Quick story.. I wrote a letter of interest to MU at that age and they sent me a bumper sticker and application.... Though, I was in fifth grade that is one of the best memories I have, because somehow I knew I would make my dream a reality. Besides all of the blessings I thank God for, such as family and health, I have to exclaim my thankfulness for being led into this wonderful world of nursing.
            At my age (close to 40) I have the privilege of using my life experience along with my drive to succeed and my will to serve God to be the best nurse I can be.  Along the way I have met some of the most inspirational nurses that have taken me under their wing and have helped me fly.  I'm coming to the end of my first med surg clinical and have realized within the depths of my soul that this is what I was created to do.   When I worked in the retail world I would of swore I was bred to sell.  I even joked that retail was in my dna. Lol!!
             Last night I was trying to think of something to do for my instructor as a thank you gift, and all I could think of was how genuinely grateful I am that my path changed unexpectedly and I ended up in the facility I did with the instructor I did.  Yesterday she emailed our group of 7, to let us know how proud she was of us.  Her email brought tears to my eyes because it was evident that we had made an impact on our superior nurses.  It was exciting and almost overwhelming for me to be told that I am becoming a wonderful compassionate nurse.  I am so proud because of my own positivity towards my learning I havebeen able to give back and inspire some of the girls in my class.
            My excitement and enthusiasm to learn as much as I can while I am there rubbed off on some of them and they in turn had a great learning experience they may of otherwise not had if they weren't inspired by me.  So, can you see how it works now.   Become inspired so that you can inspire some one else in return.  It's that easy.   It's so much easier than spreading negativity that brings you and everyone around you down, inspire to start bringing yourself and the people around you up!!

I am here

       I have missed writing. I have truly spent the summer reflecting upon myself.  I struggled a lot with my purpose, Gods purpose... I prayed a lot, I cried a lot and now I am here... Where I am supposed to be.  I started nursing school two weeks ago. I was worried that I was too old to be doing this but I soon found out that I am not the only searching for their path in life.  It's amazing to me that sometimes we beg God to answer our prayers and then we feel abandoned because it isn't immediately noticeable that he is listening.  Then weeks or months go by after finally letting go and giving him total control of the situation and tadaaaa!  I opened my eyes this very morning and realized that he had listened. He answered my prayers, in my own disappointment I didn't accept that he was doing what was best for me.  Today I realized that by giving God control of those very hard decisions I wasn't let down just as the bible says.  He is always with me.  Praise him, our Lord!!!!!

         In my soul search I have been able to redevelop and even strengthen my relationship with God.  For the struggles I went through, I thank him for showing me his way.  I just wanted to share that and as I continue down my old path on my new journey I will be sure to write more often and to share my walk with you.

One of the first things I saw this morning was this post so my wisdom of the day is it, I got this from Mark Brown's Facebook page. I will also share the link from my Facebook page. https://www.facebook.com/MarkBrown.page

Ethics? What it means to me...

      I am taking an Ethics class as part of my degree plan.  It has been very interesting to me to learn about Ethics.  I previously assumed that ethics, morals and values were one in the same.  Since, starting this class one of the first things I learned is that they aren't exactly.  Hmmm.... I felt deceived!

      In my text book Basic Ethics 2nd Edition, I looked up the term "Ethics" in the glossary.  It states " Ethics -The science of the right and wrong in human action." (Boylan 204).  After reading that I wondered how is that different from values.  I read through my online lecture that the professor posted, and it states"that some values are not specifically moral in nature, meaning things such as belief's  pertaining to ability, artistic value, tastes; as in clothing or food, and pragmatic - whats useful or effective." I then understood that there is a difference. My assignment is that I have to make a list of at least ten morals/ethics that I feel are ethical foundations for my life.  I decided that would be a great topic to discuss here.

       Why, you might ask?  I feel that in order to be able to care for someone else and put their needs before your own is deep within a persons ethical foundation.  I never realized that the decision to take on the responsibility of care giving was a reflection of my own ethical foundation. I also never took the time to evaluate my own ethical beliefs outside of being a manager.  That came naturally for me then, I led my associates with honesty, consistency and fairness. 

       First and foremost I would say that my relationship with God is a basis for most of my ethical thinking.  As I grew older I discovered that I needed a purpose and God fulfilled that purpose for me by showing me that with out him in my life I am no one.

       I think that accepting people for who they are is also a very important ethical standard to live by.  Even though, I don't always like or agree with a person doesn't mean that I can't accept who they are.  It doesn't mean that I have to agree and like their decisions.  What it means to me is that I can live with it and not let the negative aspects affect me, who I am.  It also means that I do look for the positive aspect of a person and I use that to help shape my own decisions of ethical behavior. 

       Integrity is another important ethical standard I live by.  Not to say that my integrity has never been compromised, or that everyone agrees with decisions I have made, but I do feel that integrity involves trust, honesty and loyalty to my beliefs. It creates a large part of the character I have become, and to me character defines who I am.

        I can not think of a more personally gratifying event in my own life than my marriage. It is a union Blessed by God.  It is a union not only of two hearts, but two souls and two bodies.  This fulfills three basic human needs; physically, emotionally and sexually.  Marriage also creates an undeniable relationship that can be compared to no other.  It is not about the ceremony, the rings or the piece of paper to me, it is about the commitment to each other through the trials and tribulations that makes a marriage exist beyond the doubts of each other.

         Love ties into marriage, but it is greater than that to me.  I love so many people, but in different ways.  My husband for one, my children for another.  My parents and my siblings are all loved by me, unconditionally, without reservations about anything else. I am not saying I don't love anything or anybody other then them, but it is definitely different.   I think people deserve to have the choice of how and what they love.

         The next thing that comes to mind are my children.  I want both of my kids to be raised with a strong ethical foundation, it is something that is very important to me.  My husband and I try hard to work together in achieving that for them, by leading and guiding as an example. I know they will grow into their own one day and become what ever they choose to be, I just want to know in my heart that they are able to make those decisions for their self and make the best choice that they can in any given situation. I think most parents only want the best for their children and I am no different there.

         Something else I put great ethical intuition into is my relationships with friends and family members.  Relationships are important for many reasons.  I think we are all put on this earth to be companions to one another. To listen, share and feel together.  To create experiences that are diverse and memorable. Understanding that if I gave someone the shirt off of my back, that I may need theirs one day.  Not letting people take advantage of my kindness and not disrespecting each other is a wonderful basis for creating lasting relationships.  

           My work ethic is also very important to me.  I can remember when I was a teenager and I specifically remember when I realized how my work ethic (when it was negative) affected the people I worked with.  This opened my eyes and made me realize that I had to do my fair share in order to get any where.  There was no passing Go and collecting $200.  I learned that only hard work, even if it yields no immediate results, is the only way to work.  Laziness only creates enemies and more problems. 

            A deal breaker for me is when someone breaks their word with out legitimacy.  I feel that if I say I will do something for you, it is then my responsibility to do it.  The same goes if some one tells me they will do something they need to do it.  

            Something else I have grown to realize is that settling for less is not the way to success.  I have never been happy unless I am working toward something bigger and better.  I guess that is free motivation for me to succeed.  

            So, there you have it.  My list of ethical standards, though it is not all inclusive, I feel these highlight a huge part of my ethical foundation.  I think that a person is typically given a moral foundation from their parents and as they grow into an adult they continue to build the rest of their structure through their own life experiences.  Have you ever considered what your ethics are?  This has been very inspirational for me to realize and reflect on what I feel are my ethical standards. 

My wisdom for the day is that the wonderful thing about living in such a diverse world is that everyone's idea of ethical standards is different. It is how we interpret and perceive each other that matters most. 
           

Needing God

       I have had a lot on my mind the past few days.  I am trying to find peace with in myself to accept the things I can not change.  I realized last night, after talking to my sister, that I am full of anger.  My sister is my rock, though many miles a way, she is always there for me.  She has a way of unknowingly leading me to a place that I can feel validated and not judged when I am feeling overwhelmed.  She was telling me about a news story that happened recently.  A young lady that was pregnant had the flu and pneumonia, the hospital delivered her baby and then some complications later she passed away.  The story led me to a face book page that was written for her by her father.  In his posts, there is one common theme that he is using to overcome his grief.  That theme is God.
       Reading his posts made me realize that I too should be using God to help me overcome my own grief.  I use the term grief because even though I am not dealing with a physical death of a person at this time, I realized I am grieving over the loss of pieces of my life in the past year.  Though the loses are a choice that my husband and I made together, they are still losses from my life.
        I have a wonderful Dr. that is our family practictioner. At one of my visits with her, she told me that humans have an innate ability to be selfish.  It is normal, most people couldn't do what I do due to that.  I think about that a lot.  I don't know why my husband and I felt compelled to take on this journey, I just know that it was something that we felt we had to do.  I feel that God led us here.  Really, who sells their house, quits their job and moves into a house that is no bigger than a tuna can so that they can make sure their parents will be taken care of?  Taking their two kids with them at that!  It has to be Gods will, his plan.  I have strayed away from him because I have been to busy grieving my own losses.
        I have been to busy lost in my own mind that I have let other peoples selfish ways pull me into a bottomless pit of misery.  I laid in bed last night with tears rolling down my face, holding my breath so not to wake up my husband, thinking that I need to let God have control of this situation.  I need to do this for him and let him guide us through this.  I truly believe that is our purpose right now.  I laid there thinking about how sad I was.  I searched and searched with in myself to find the answer so that tears would stop flowing. I realized that the past couple of days I have watched my father in law deteriorate and his other children are not here to see it.  Do they believe it? If they could see what I see would that make them believe he is on his journey to meet his maker?
         I am with him 24/7.  I have only known him for about 11 years, but I know who is now.  I have watched him revert back to toddler hood from a strong, independent adult. It saddens me to watch him struggle and get frustrated when his fingers don't do what he wants them to do.  It breaks my heart to see the darkness in his eyes knowing he is only there part of the time anymore.  His struggles are far greater than my own.
         He wasn't feeling well yesterday and spent the better part of the day in bed resting.  Around dinner time I went in to check on him, because my mother in law tried to get him up to come out to eat and he refused.  At first he just laid there with his hand over his face.  I could see he was miserable. I asked him the run down of normal questions and he told me no to every one of them.  I gave him his medicine so he could go back to sleep.  As I was changing him into his night clothes my daughter came bouncing into the room with all of her 2 year old wisdom.  She hopped up on the bed singing Pa Pa!  He laughed and smiled and was so excited to see her.  He gave her some tickles and made her giggle some more. She offered to help him get dressed and to jump on his bed so he could  bounce with her. They laughed and giggled and when they were done I sent her on her way so that Pa Pa could rest.  He went from totally miserable to extremely happy in those two minutes because she came in there to help him.  At that moment he was still here with us. Those moments are becoming more rare as his mind leaves him and leads him to no where.
         I am only guessing that being sad for him is normal.  Grieving for him even though he is still physically here is normal. My heart breaks as I watch the sadness creep over my mother in laws face as she comes to realize that his days are few.  She is already lost with out him.  I am sad for her, too.
         As I still laid in bed with tears falling, snuggled in my husbands arms while he laid there resting I couldn't help but think how hard this must be for him.  How my sadness affects him on top of everything else.  I laid there and prayed that God would be here for us and guide us.  Prayed for strength to endure this and prayed that God would help me accept the things I can not change.  I know I need to give my burdens to him and let him take over because I just can not do this.


So my wisdom for the day is actually from the bible.
My dad posted this on his facebook page the other day.  I need to remind myself of this.

     

Your Choice, What will you do?

I am Glad I Found You

           I am so excited that I am finally here, writing and sharing my experience.  It has been a hectic week.  I started the spring semester for school this week (16 credit hours), my father in law is a diabetic and has had a terrible time with his bowels, my mother in law was worrying herself to death because he was having a terrible time with his bowels.  They canceled school today because of the -25 degree windchill, so for me that meant both kids were at home all day.  Yay me!!! 

          I had planned on getting things organized for my classes and I really wanted to get a head of the course load so that I can manage everything.  I love organization!  Being organized just helps my over all well being.  My husband doesn't understand that, but it really makes me feel uncluttered.  I am also excited because I started my CNA classes this week. It was quit the experience walking into a high school class room after almost 20 years!!

           First, I had no idea where the school even was and I didn't know that all of the schools for this particular town was at the same location.  Google maps led the way.  I entered the elementary school and a young girl was sitting on the floor when I opened the door, she looked up at me with a big grin and asked me if I was there for the CNA class.  I told her I was and I followed her lead into the high school.  I walked into a full class room that looked like it could of still been in session. Out of 20 girls in the class, 17 are juniors and seniors in high school.  I slithered into the back row and sucked it in so that I could sit in the "student" desk.  I was out of sorts, then I realized that I was not the only older adult, there was another lady sitting right next to me! I even thanked her for being there after the introductions.  We both chuckled and everything was fine.

          I felt guilty for leaving the house that evening because my mother in law told me she wished I didn't have class that night.  All my other classes are online and the CNA class is a hybrid.  I made sure my father in laws shots were administered and both of their pills were distributed before I left. I reassured her that they would be fine.  My husband was due home in less than an hour but I always worry when I have to leave the kids home with them for that short amount of time.  It is hard because she has Alzheimer's and she gets flustered very easy.  Good thing I had the kids settled in and things went smooth.           

         I am glad tomorrow is Friday.  I am looking forward to the weekend.  It is so much easier when my husband is home to help with everything.  It is hard for me not to feel bad because I know he needs a day off, too.  I know that going to work six days a week is not a vacation from home, but sometimes I am jealous because he doesn't have to endure what I have to 24/7.  This is a very demanding situation and it is exhausting.  Tomorrow is a new day and I will just try again.  

As I leave for the night I will also leave my wisdom for the day: 

         
My wisdom for today is that no matter how much you have planned in your mind, you may not get it all done, but it is not the end of the world. 


I am getting better at expecting a little less of myself instead of beating myself up when I just simply can not get it all done.